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INTRODUCTION
Everyone is celebrating your recent wedding and marriage, but few will talk to you about how to discuss money with your partner. Financial disagreements are a common source of conflict in marriages, often leading to stress and tension. People have many thoughts and emotions about money that significantly impact their finances more than their actual debt or income. According to Ramsey Solutions, money is one of the leading causes of fights and divorce in marriage.
Money can be a touchy subject in any relationship, but addressing it openly and honestly with your partner is essential. Fostering financial intimacy and open communication through “money dates” or “money meetings” can strengthen your relationship and build a solid foundation for your future. This blog post will explore how to talk to your partner about money and cultivate a healthy financial relationship.
15 TIPS TO START TALKING ABOUT MONEY WITH YOUR PARTNER
1. SET THE MOOD FOR A PRODUCTIVE CONVERSATION ABOUT MONEY
Setting the mood to discuss money with your partner is important for fostering open communication and creating a positive environment. The first thing to do with your partner is schedule a time when you both are ready to talk about money. Schedule a time when you both are relaxed and free from distractions to talk about your finances. Avoid discussing money when one of you is stressed or tired. You can choose to discuss it over a meal or coffee, or you can choose to have it over whatever works for you. The idea is that you and your partner choose a comfortable time where you can have an uninterrupted conversation about your finances.
2. TALK ABOUT YOUR MONEY PSYCHOLOGY
According to the Gottman Institute, most money fights are not about money but are usually related to fears and dreams. Consider how you view money for these initial money meetings. Money is tied to emotions, beliefs, and values, often called “money psychology.” Money psychology is the study of how individuals' thoughts, feelings, and behaviors regarding money influence their financial choices. Your thoughts and feelings about money influence how you use money. Learning about your and your partner's thoughts and feelings about money can be helpful.
If you want to learn more about money psychology and how it influences your money habits, check out the book “The Psychology of Money” by Morgan Housel. In this book, you will read short stories about how people's thoughts about money influenced their decisions and maybe gain insight into your money psychology.
3. RESPECT YOUR PARTNER
Discuss your thoughts and feelings about money openly, honestly, and respectfully. Respect is the cornerstone of any productive conversation about money with your partner. Ensure you give your partner the time and space to express their thoughts and opinions without interruptions. Practice active listening by focusing on what your partner is saying, acknowledging their feelings, and responding without judgments or dismissive comments. By showing respect and genuinely listening, you foster an environment of mutual trust and collaboration, which is vital for building a healthy financial relationship. Remember, the goal is to work together as a team, respect each other's perspectives, and find common ground to achieve your financial goals.
4. DISCUSS YOUR MONEY EXPERIENCES
Start sharing your money history with your partner. Discuss your spending habits, outstanding loans or debts, credit scores, and current net worth. Do you enjoy saving money or spending money? Have you discussed your money habits? Is it possible that you are clueless about cash but want to improve? What experience does your partner have with money? Understanding each other's financial backgrounds can help you know your money mindsets and behaviors.
5. SHARE YOUR FINANCIAL HISTORY: THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE TRUTH
Share your financial numbers and status with your partner. Be honest. Whether you are dating, engaged, or married doesn't matter. Your finances will eventually impact your partner and vice versa. Sharing your money stories can offer valuable context and explain why you approach money the way you do. Now is the time to discuss where your money is going.
Discuss your spending habits and saving habits. Review your investments, loans, your debts, and your credit score. Calculate your assets and liabilities to determine your net worth. Talk to your partner about your debt or what you struggle with financially. By sharing your past, you can deepen your understanding of each other's perspectives and foster financial intimacy.
However, do this with respect, compassion, and empathy. Money dates or meetings are not a time to blame, shame, judge, or condemn anyone. These discussions are designed to see your mutual finances and decide how to move forward together. If you need to take breaks because it becomes emotional, do so. You both are coming together because you are better together. An honest discussion on money serves to identify how you both can be better together financially. You can improve your money situation together. Encourage one another to determine where you want to go on this financial journey while knowing where you are.
6. IDENTIFY MONEY GOALS
Whether saving for your wedding, paying off debt, buying a house, starting a family, traveling, or building a business, having shared goals can bring you and your partner closer together. Creating goals for yourself and together as a couple establishes a sense of purpose and direction with your finances.
When we were paying for our wedding, my fiancé and I started planning for goals we wanted in our future life together. These goals helped keep us grounded when we tried to overspend on our wedding. We also created a joint account to start a family emergency fund with our cash account. Having goals gives direction for our money and our future as we grow together.
7. PRIORITIZE MONEY GOALS OR PROBLEMS TO FOCUS ON
Now that you are talking about money, it's time to prioritize your money goals or problems in your money meeting. Focusing on 1-3 money goals, worries, or issues as a couple can help you use money as a tool for solving these concerns. Do your student debts feel heavy on you? Do you want to save for a house? Once you identify your money priorities, you can educate yourselves about personal finance to solve the problem. Take courses, read books, or attend workshops to improve your financial literacy as a couple. Learning together strengthens your bond and empowers you to make informed financial decisions.
8. DEVELOP A MONEY MANAGEMENT SYSTEM
Decide whether you'll manage your finances jointly or keep separate accounts. How will you pay bills? How will you purchase groceries? Do you want to combine your income or live off one income? Does someone want to be a stay-at-home parent? Figuring out how to divide up your finances is essential.
Some couples prefer to combine all their finances, while others opt for a more independent approach. Do you want all the money going into one big account? Would you feel better with a mix of joint and independent accounts because you have a business or other obligations? All these questions can help you decide on a system for your money. Whatever you choose, ensure it aligns with your values and goals as a couple. Also, you can automate your finances so your money is working to support your goals.
9. DISCUSS YOUR BUDGET OR SPENDING PLAN
Now that you have discussed money goals, priorities, and a system for spending money, it is time to create a budget or spending plan. Talk to your partner about budgeting and what your future budget will look like. Creating a budget or spending plan is essential for couples to manage their finances effectively. While a budget and a spending plan are often used interchangeably, they have distinct differences that can impact how couples manage their finances.
Budget
- A budget is a detailed document that tracks all sources of income and outlines expected expenses over a specific period, usually monthly. It requires meticulous planning and monitoring to ensure that spending does not exceed income. A great book to read or listen to on Audible is “Get Good with Money: 10 Simple Steps to Becoming Financially Whole“ by Tiffany Aliche. Her book walks you through how to create a budget that serves you with her charming and enthusiastic attitude. This book is excellent for helping you create a budget that serves you and your financial future.
Spending Plan
- A spending plan is more flexible and focuses on allocating money to various spending categories. It prioritizes intentional spending based on current financial goals and lifestyle choices rather than sticking to predefined limits. A spending plan highlights prioritization and flexibility, making it easier for couples to adjust their finances in response to changing needs and circumstances. If creating a spending plan seems like a better fit for you, a great book to check out is “I Will Teach You To Be Rich” by Ramit Sethi. In this book, Ramit helps you create a money system and spending plan that enables you to build your “rich life,” or a life where your money allows you to live the life you dream of.
With your budget or spending plan, start by listing your monthly income and all your expenses, including fixed costs like rent or mortgage, utilities, and groceries, as well as variable expenses like entertainment and dining out. Discuss each category openly with your partner and agree on spending limits that align with your shared goals. It's important to revisit your plan regularly on your money meetings at least once a month. Adjust your budget or spending plan to accommodate for changes in your life. By working together, you can reduce financial stress, avoid unexpected expenses, and build a secure financial future together. Remember, budgeting is not about restriction but about making intentional choices with your money.
10. START SAVING AND INVESTING
Plan for your financial future by saving and investing together. Whether saving for retirement or building wealth through investments, working toward common financial goals can strengthen your partnership and set you up for long-term success. Watching your finances improve together boosts your confidence and strength as a couple. “Get Good with Money” by Tiffany Aliche and “I Will Teach You To Be Rich” by Ramit Sethi are excellent introductions to saving and investing.
The book that got me to start investing is “The Millionaire Next Door: The Surprising Secrets of America's Wealthy” by Thomas J. Stanley and William D. Danko. While “The Millionaire Next Door” isn't a step-by-step guide for investing, the book discusses the traits and habits of millionaires in a way that can educate, empower, and encourage you to invest and become a millionaire.
11. LEARN HOW TO NAVIGATE HEALTHY CONFLICT
Conflict is a normal part of being in a relationship. According to Psychology Today, conflict can be healthy as it is a sign that something needs to change. My fiancé and I had a 2 hours “discussion” about whether to have joint or separate accounts. I wouldn't say I liked it, but afterward, we realized we wanted the same thing but misunderstood why we had joint and separate accounts. By the end of the conversation, we had better clarity on what steps to take for our future.
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but it's essential to handle it constructively, especially regarding money. One book that helped me develop conflict techniques is “Crucial Conversations” by Joseph Grenny. “Crucial Conversations” is adaptable to any situation where you want a productive discussion within difficult conversations. If you have conflict issues, this book is an excellent introduction to learning effective communication techniques to resolve conflicts peacefully.
12. FIGURE OUT YOUR TAXES
Optimize your tax situation as a couple. In your money talks, discuss your tax situations because how you manage taxes dramatically impacts your finances. Learn about your basic taxes and discuss what may be best for you. Filing your taxes jointly as a married couple may lower your overall taxes. However, it might be necessary to file separately for your business. You may also need to set up an LLC if you or your partner earn a business. If you aren't sure, consult with a tax professional to explore your options and maximize your tax benefits based on your circumstances. 
13. PLAN REGULAR MONEY DATES OR MONEY MEETINGS
Schedule regular money dates or meetings to discuss your finances. Use this time to review your budget, track progress toward your goals, and address any concerns or issues. Keep in mind that these dates can be whatever you make of them. You can have them with your favorite beverage over dinner and plan to play games afterward. These sessions can be whatever you need or want them to be. The most important thing is that regular communication is critical to maintaining financial intimacy and alignment together.
14. GET HELP WITH YOUR FINANCES IF YOU FEEL YOU NEED IT
Some conversations may need mediators to help you progress with your finances, particularly with a new partner. Suppose you need help talking to your partner about money. In that case, it's possible that talking with money-savvy professionals like financial advisors, money coaches, or financial counselors can walk you both through your finances. Seek professional guidance if you struggle to resolve financial issues or make crucial decisions.
15. CELEBRATE MONEY WINS TOGETHER
Celebrating is one of the most important things you can do in your money journey. Even having a productive money conversation with your partner is a victory worth cheering about. Celebrate your financial victories together, no matter how big or small. Whether you're paying off debt, reaching a savings milestone, or achieving a financial goal, acknowledging your successes can strengthen your bond and motivate you to keep working toward your dreams.
CONCLUSION
Honestly, talking to your partner about money may initially feel intimidating, but it's essential to building a strong and healthy financial relationship. All these steps do not need to happen in one session. You can discuss these steps over several money dates or meetings. You can schedule a discussion on one topic every week. As you grow comfortable sharing about money, this will create financial intimacy and a closer relationship. By being open, honest, and supportive, you can navigate financial challenges together and create a future filled with prosperity and happiness.
IN SUMMARY
15 Tips To Start Talking about Money with Your Partner
1. Set the mood for a productive conversation about money.
2. Talk about your thoughts and feelings about money.
3. Respect your partner.
4. Discuss your money experience.
5. Share your financial history: the good, the bad, and the truth.
6. Identify money goals.
7. Prioritize money goals or problems to focus on.
8. Develop a money management system.
9. Create your budget or spending plan.
10 Start saving and investing.
11. Learn how to navigate healthy conflict.
12. Figure out your taxes.
13. Plan regular money dates or money meetings.
14. Get help with your finances if you feel you need it.
15. Celebrate money wins.
Are you ready to start talking about money with your partner?
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